So Many Problems
by Ems4179
Summary: Seifer is allowed back to Garden one last time to try and make it as a SeeD...with one condition - he must see a therapist and keep a journal of everything he's going through. Old story I've resubmitted. No action, sorry.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I do not own FF8 or any of its wonderful characters

**A/N: **I do not own FF8 or any of its wonderful characters. The wonderful Therapist Ms Adams however, belongs to me for all the part she really plays in this fic. If I did own the company however, I would have a FFVIII-2 out by now.

**A/N 2:** The idea behind this fic is that we're seeing snippets of Seifer's journal as he tries to recover from the problems of Final Fantasy 8. Day 1, Day 2 etc. are merely used to show an entry for a different day – in truth, the spaces between each could be anything from a day to a week, to months even. Does that make any sense? Probably not. I'm sorry. --

Yeah, this is an old story from my other account. Doubt that anyone will read it and that's fine - I just wanted to put it up again having made a few (hundred) changes.

After the war, Seifer had been allowed back to Garden but on the condition that he went to see a therapist, he went along but never said a word. It wasn't that he didn't want to – more that he didn't know where to start. Every time he tried, the words got all muddled in his mind long before they reached his mouth. It was around the time of his thirtieth session that he finally managed to tell Adams that much. When she'd realised the problem, she'd looked a little less irritated with him. That had to be something, right? Apparently, he was to keep a journal. At least that way, he could write up his thoughts and feelings in his own time – maybe even work through some of the things that she asked about during their sessions.

**Day 1**

Okay, the first question you asked me … What do I think of the people round me? Honestly, you don't really want to know. However, since you asked:

**Quistis: **Has a poker made of ice shoved up her ass. Too badly in need of someone to come along and mess up her existence just a little to make her a little more attainable. Not for me though, I'm not that desperate.

**Rinoa: **Daddy's little princess – can't do anything without a man there to cling to.

**Selphie: **Messenger Girl – and that bloody hair…all bouncy and irritating!

**Zell: **Chicken-Wuss – Talks big but other than the sorceress crap, he has not bothered to do much of anything – too scared. Won't even ask that silly girl from the library out despite the fact that he sits and drools all over her every time he sees her. Don't even start me on the bloody shadow boxing!

**Irvine: **Pretty boy with a gun – thinks of himself as a ladies man. Yet the only girl who is really nuts about him and who he in turn is nuts about is the Messenger Girl. Yet does he do anything about her? No! Pathetic!

**Squall: **Puberty boy. Good with a gun blade though – well not as good as me obviously. How did that group of freaks save the world?

**Fujin and Raijin: **The best posse a guy could ask for.

**Cid: **A bumbling idiot. He's the closest thing I have to a father … perhaps it becomes more obvious why I turned out the way I did?

**Edea: **Wonderful woman. Matron - My mother.

**Day 14**

Okay. I admit it - day fourteen of this little experiment and even I'm getting bored of keeping up this façade – so I'm gonna tell the truth. May as well write it down somewhere, right? After all, the journal obviously hadn't gone any further than this room as nobody was glaring at him any more than usual.

**Fujin and Raijin – **Truth was, I'm angry with them. I still hang around with them because there is no one else but I simply cannot forgive them for abandoning me when the going got tough. I mean, they are supposed to be my friends but they left me. How do we get past that? They promised me that we would always be a posse and would look out for each other but where were they when I needed them? Gone! So the truth is that in this world, I am alone. That suits me though. Means I don't have to worry about anyone else and am free to do as I please.

Day 21

**Fujin and Raijin – **Okay, I talked this through with Adams. Since starting to take this more seriously, it is getting easier to talk about this stuff. Course it helps Adams that I know that you will read this after I go. That's fine. One thing I realise is that I am not looking at this right. I am looking at this as if I am the only one who matters but Fujin and Raijin are my two best friends. I owe them at least to try and see it from their point of view because up until that last fight and in fact after time compression ended, they have been there for me.

I remember the time that Raijin, Fujin and I all went out for the day. We ended up in the middle of nowhere and our car had broken down. I had got separated from Fujin and Raijin somehow when I was attacked by of all things a Ruby Dragon. Don't know to this day where it came from. It knocked Hyperion out of my hands before it could attack. I had no magic on me because back then I didn't like to junction GF's – thought that I was strong enough – hah! I sure learnt the hard way. That dragon knocked the complete and utter crap (this is my journal Adams, I will curse if I want to) out of me. The last thing I remember before I passed out was seeing Raijin come charging in and hauling me over his shoulder so that I could be healed. Fujin was using magic to protect him and me. When I was healed, we gave that dragon a taste of its own medicine. You should have seen those two in action. They sure were pissed off that it had hurt me. Oh they were good times! I miss them, I miss the closeness that we had before all this happened. Can we get that back?

Day 22

So in relation to Fujin and Raijin, it boils down to one thing. Can I forgive them? I think that the point is (finally I get this) that no I can't because quite simply, there is nothing to forgive. They stuck by me as long as they could but the simple truth was that being a Knight was not their dream. By the end, what was happening conflicted totally against what they believed in. Had I been in my own mind, I would also have accepted that I too was not happy. This was not what I wanted. I joined Garden to protect those who couldn't protect themselves, the money that I had heard was involved didn't matter. The truth was though that Ultimecia had managed to manipulate me into a position were I felt that I was doing that. The reality was different obviously.

How many innocent people died at my hand because I was too weak? 100, 200, 1,000? I was trained to be a mercenary, how come the thought of what I did still hurts?


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I do not own FF8 or any of its wonderful characters. The wonderful Therapist Ms Adams however, belongs to me for all the part she really plays in this fic. If I did own the company however, I would have a FFVIII-2 out by now.

Day 23

Fujin and Raijin saved an awful lot of lives. I realise that now. When they left, it was a shock; I felt more of my own consciousness return. Not enough that I could break free but enough that during that final battle with Squall, I was weakened so they were able to get the edge that they needed to totally defeat me. I don't kid myself anymore that I could have beaten them given the chance. The truth is simply that they would have beaten me anyway for one simple reason: They believed in what they were doing. I didn't. Not really. I merely mean that it was less of a struggle for them than it could have been – hell, at that stage, even Rinoa could have taken me out!

For as long as I can remember, I'd wanted to be a Knight. However, in every dream I had, I was a hero because I was protecting a good woman - the sort of woman that Edea was before Ultimecia got her claws into her (and yes is now again). She in turn protected those who could not defend themselves – typical isn't it - Squall and Rinoa got my dream and I got the nightmares.

I can almost hear you thinking here and yes - I am aware that I was nice about Squall and Rinoa. The simple reason is that is what they deserve. She might have once been the sort of woman who needed a man's constant reassurance but I realise that was simply because it was something that was always lacking from her own father. From the moment that she realised that Squall loved her and accepted her just the way she was, she started to shine. She is every bit as strong (if not stronger) as the rest of them. As for Squall, I now realise that he too just deals with all the world throws at him in a different way than me. I bottle it up and get angry. He merely bottled it up and pretended indifference. Such a change in him since Rinoa entered his life! If he doesn't like something, he says it now - yes I am smiling at that one as I write Adams. You should see the look on some of their faces when he says whatever is on his mind.

Apparently there was hell to pay the day that Laguna revealed that he was in fact Squall's father. First he punched him, told him that he was a useless…even I won't continue that one. Apparently it was only the fact that Rinoa showed up at that minute and calmed him down that he stayed the rest of the evening. They are getting along better now but I don't think Squall has yet come to terms with the fact that his father didn't come for him. I think it helped though when Edea explained that it had been on her insistence that he should stay in the Orphanage rather than simply being a case that his father didn't want him. She said something about how if he left, the timeline would be ruined…

Now there is something that messes with my head on a regular basis – the fact that everything that happened with Ultimecia was destined to happen no matter what we did. Apparently the idea of SeeD came to Edea the day that Squall came out of time compression and told her. Does that mean that it wasn't her idea? No, I think that originally it must have been because SeeD was in operation when Squall was sent back but…you see? This is what confuses me. Was I meant to do this? Was I meant to side with Ultimecia? Was it all decided before I was even born? Does that mean that the future will happen just as before causing all this that Ultimecia will eventually get all her powers again and the whole cycle will simply start all over again? If that is the case, how many times have we now done this? My head hurts really badly now. I must stop thinking about it.

Day 24

Another thing that probably stopped me too was when Edea was released from Ultimecia's control. Once she was not there to protect, who was I supposed to protect? No one else was the only mother that I have ever known. That's another thing I wonder about. Would I have turned out differently if my parents had lived? Don't get me wrong. Edea was the best mother I could have asked for but I also wish I could have met my parents. At the same time, maybe it is for the best, I mean they died during the first Sorceress War. They died trying to save the world from the very thing that I was trying to protect. How would they have felt about that had they been alive? No doubt they would have been hurt, probably disgusted and betrayed. For that I am sorry. At the same time that I recognise my part in this however, I must also recognise the fact that Ultimecia had a lot to do with my role. She twisted my desire to protect people into something that she could benefit from. She filled my head with the idea that I would be doing this for the good of humanity and that in fact I would be saving them. Boy that was a bitter blow - Chickenwuss did what I was unable to do and saved the lives of so many innocents.

Speaking of Zell, the truth about him is that I actually respect the guy a lot. Not that I would ever admit that to anyone. Yes it is true that his continual bouncing about really gets on my nerves and, really, what is with that tattoo? He is one hell of a fighter though and he really does seem to care about everyone. How does he manage that? To care about how other people are doing – well all apart from me of course but we never got on. Mostly because I could not understand how he could be so upfront about he felt about everything I never felt able to let my emotions show yet he did without looking girly – I am jealous of him for that.

Did you ever notice though that when you don't like someone, you can always find something about them that is really annoying. With Zell, it is his bouncing about but to be honest, I was stuck beside him in the Ragnarok yesterday when we had to go to the Orphanage and I actually found it soothing that he was doing something so normal for him. It helped to take my mind off Selphie and Irvine's kamikaze style piloting skills. Yes, before you ask, it was nice to spend some time with them at the Orphanage – by the way, I took your advice and I didn't go out of my way to offend anyone, and you know what, I had a really nice time. They were all in high spirits. Even Angelo didn't growl at me once. Hell, even Quistis moved the poker out for a while (that was a joke ok?). Were was I? Oh yes, annoying things, Selphie's hair! You know, I think I might be going soft but at the Orphanage, I looked at her hair and I actually thought that it was cute. I actually thought that on her, it was perfect, I mean, let's be honest here, you can hardly see her with normal straight hair can you? Or have her hair styled like that of Quistis?

I still think that Irvine is just a little too girly. That much hasn't changed I assure you.

Day 25

You asked me to think some more on Squall. Don't know why though. What else is there to say? I used to think that the guy was gay what with the hair, the leather and the belts (and yes thank you Adams I am quite aware that there is nothing wrong with a man taking pride in his appearance) but it was also the fact that he never spoke to any female other than Edea, Ellone or Quistis in all the years that I knew him but that has surely changed now. He talks to everyone now – even me – we have conversations. I still find that a little weird.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: I do not own FF8 or any of its wonderful characters

A/N: I do not own FF8 or any of its wonderful characters. The wonderful Therapist Ms Adams however, belongs to me for all the part she really plays in this fic. If I did own the company however, I would have a FFVIII-2 out by now.

Day 26

You want to know what I think of Cid right? He IS a bumbling idiot but I think that is only because I don't think that he is terribly comfortable with the job that he does and the fact that the Garden, while being an important military force, relies on children. I think that as he and his wife raised a lot of these children, he has become too involved. Basically, it is hard to be totally dispassionate when you are aware that you are training children to become mindless killing machines. Yet what choice was there? That is what had to happen following on from Squall visiting Edea after Time Compression.

Speaking of Time Compression, I honestly don't think that I will ever get my head round the concept. I mean, supposing Squall hadn't been forced by Ultimecia to think of his past so that she could go back to Edea, he wouldn't have told Edea about SeeD which I found out recently was started with the intention of destroying Sorceresses. Is it possible that SeeD do something in the future to Ultimecia to make her want revenge? Maybe none of this would have happened if Squall hadn't told Edea? You see what I mean? It really is too hard a concept to get your head round Adams.

Anyway, the point that I am trying to make rather badly though is that Cid is my father as much as Edea is my mother. He had a lot to deal with and I have immense respect for him even if he can drive me crazy but that's what family is all about right?

Day 29

The unthinkable has happened (if you believe Xu, anyway). I PASSED the SeeD exam. Everyone else is out at the ball but I needed to come and write this down. I still can't believe it. I'm sure you already know this but, Quistis was there too. She decided that as she was no longer an instructor, she would re-take the SeeD exams for 'fun'. I don't know which one of us was more surprised when I didn't defy orders. I did not feel at all compelled to do anything I shouldn't do and I looked after my other team members too.

Hah! You should have seen the look on Xu's face when she realised that I had passed. Classic! She recovered quickly enough though and suggested that the reason I did so well was only because that Quistis was there and that I wanted to impress her as I have a thing for her – yeah I thought that that was a really strange thing to say too, I mean Quistis? She is just too straight-laced for me. I like my women to be less uptight than that. Honestly what do others see in her? I'd better get back though…have to get officially congratulated by Xu. Should be amusing. :D

Day 30

Well the Ball wasn't too bad. It was sure strange to see everyone in their SeeD uniform with me right there in the middle of things too. Irvine was there too in the full regalia. He looks more than a little strange – for some reason, he got his hair cut. Apparently, he felt that as a proper SeeD, he should have a respectable hairstyle to go with it. (It's basically the same hairstyle as Squall's…) Given the way that Selphie was all over him the moment she saw him, I'd say it was mostly to do with her…The last I saw of the two of them, they were dancing REALLY close. About time! All the looks that those two were giving each other as they danced around each other were becoming a bit much.

Quistis was actually really nice to me last night. Said that it was about time that I got my SeeD exam. If I hadn't passed this time, she was going to kick my ass, that was just par for the course (well apart from the language that is – certainly made me raise an eyebrow!) but after that, she said that she was looking forward to working with me and that Squall and I were always her two favourite students (What? Even when I was making her life hell? She definitely has a screw loose!). For the first time in years, I think I seen Quistis nearly completely relaxed. She even thanked me for FINALLY proving that she was right about me…words fail me. What potential could she possibly have seen in me? I mean, look at me - a failed Sorceress's Knight, someone not even strong enough to break away from a Sorceress knowing that what I was doing was wrong.

Yes, now you know, I held enough of my own self inside to know that what we were doing was wrong but that's the problem you see, I felt like I was drugged. I knew it was wrong, I knew I should stop but, I just couldn't stop, it was easier to do what she wanted. In the end, before Fujin and Raijin left, I had pushed everything as far back as I could. The conflict inside was just too much and it seemed to be destroying me. Thoughts of Fujin and Raijin were what helped me to find the strength to even WANT to break the connection…

Day 31

I actually sat down and worked this out, because I can still see everyone of my victims faces, I know exactly how many innocent people died at my hands because of Ultimecia – twenty-four. Doesn't really sound like that many does it? I guess in comparison with how many people died in total, it's not that many but those deaths are also on my hands – guilt for each one will be with me for the rest of my life. Can I ever make up for that? Supposing that those twenty-four people were going to do something really important with their lives? Chances are that they could have been the one who found the cure for a disease or been the one to broker a deal for peace, hell, maybe even have saved the world from being wiped out. Don't get me wrong though, I know that every single life in this world is important. Every one has a purpose. What is mine though? Supposing this was it? Suppose I was just here to be her Knight and Squall's adversary so that he could become a hero. If that was my purpose, why am I still here?

I just feel so **LOST**. I mean on the outside, people seem to think that I have always dealt with everything that comes at me but really, if they took the time, they'd realise that I truly have no clue. I just don't know why I am here. I want to matter to someone, ANYONE but I never have. Now how can I? Quistis last night may well have made me feel like she cares but I think that that was just the instructor in her coming out.

Day 32

Fujin and Raijin are getting married! I didn't see that one coming. I mean Raijin has always been nuts about her but to be honest, I always thought that she was gay. She never showed any interest in any male – even when all the girls were going on about the latest celebrity type – you know Laguna etc. - she never so much as batted an eyelid. Apparently it's because she has been in love with Raijin since she met him. Her speech and bad eye stopped her from risking telling him. I told her that that was ridiculous because she was gorgeous etc. She thanked me and told me that Raijin had convinced her of the same thing.

Honestly though, Fujin is not really my type but I have always thought that she was a beautiful woman and that some man would be lucky to have her but today, she is even more beautiful as she is simply radiant with the love that she feels for him. Raijin is just walking around with this big silly grin on his face. I honestly don't think that anything could annoy him today. I really am glad for them. Those two deserve all the happiness in the world.


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: I do not own FF8 or any of its wonderful characters

A/N: I do not own FF8 or any of its wonderful characters. The wonderful Therapist Ms Adams however, belongs to me for all the part she really plays in this fic. If I did own the company however, I would have FFVIII-2 out by now and the the cast of Final Fantasy 7 and 8 would be real and live near me.

Day 33

Raijin has asked me to be his best man but there is just one problem – Fujin has also asked me to give her away. Who do I choose? I can't do both can I? I WANT to do both. They are as much a part of my family as Cid and Edea and my very annoying brothers and sisters Squall etc. Yes that is right, I have finally accepted the fact that whether I like it or not, the people in the Orphanage are as much a part of what made me who I am. They have all influenced me as I have grown up with them I guess. I am also able to be nicer to them.

It helps surprisingly that I am able to write down all my thoughts. When I started this way back when, I honestly didn't think that it would help me but it definitely has. It's helped me to lose a few of my inner demons and that's definitely good. I am finding that I am less irritated in general by other people - that in turn has stopped me lashing out over nothing. THAT means that people have actually stopped glaring at me. I suppose everyone has problems to deal with, huh? Squall definitely does thanks to Laguna but Rinoa's helped him a lot. I apparently got you, Adams – and this journal…

Bizarre, isn't it? It took me a long time to realise that everyone has their own problems - if someone is rude, chances are that it is because something has happened to them and doesn't necessarily have anything to do with you. Sometimes just a smile can stop someone exploding. Like this morning when I was out with Quistis on a short mission, she was so cross…normally, I would have lashed out at her verbally and a whole argument would ensue. Instead, I calmly asked her what the problem was and we then actually managed to sort out the problem between us. She even smiled and thanked me. There is something that I never thought that I would see – Quistis smiling at me because I helped her out. At that moment, I felt like I mattered. It was nice.

Hey, I even did something nice for Xu this morning when I was heading to see you. She dropped her books and I not only helped her pick them all up, I also actually carried them to the classroom for her. I think I shocked her quite a bit with that – she didn't make a single comment the whole way there. She only managed to speak as I was leaving. "Hey Almasy, Thanks!" You talk about shocked! I nearly dropped at that one. What the heck is happening to me? Am I turning soft? Do I really mind if I am?

I can answer that one actually, no I don't mind. I like that some people smile at me now instead of scurrying away; I like people stopping to talk to me; I like the fact that Quistis and I were on a mission together and she trusted me to watch her back; I especially like the fact that recently when I had to go on a mission with Zell and Irvine, despite what I think we all were expecting, I found myself enjoying their company. They're cool guys - I even told them that. The look on their faces was priceless. You should have seen them. I managed to make two more people speechless – all because I was nice... I have to admit that I actually felt GOOD about it. I am definitely going soft! Next thing you know, I will be helping Selphie with her Garden Committee!

Day 34

Remind me to keep my mouth shut in future! Selphie came up to me and asked me to help organise the festival…I agreed! I still can't believe it. I just couldn't say no - she is like this immense force of nature and when she sets her mind on something, she gets it. I almost feel sorry for Irvine - almost! I think he likes her that way though. I guess he needs her there to be the driving force; he is way too laid back without her.

Day 35-37

Sorry, Adams – I'm too busy with the festival to write. At least I'm still attending our sessions?

Day 40

Thankfully, all the preparations are now complete. The festival starts in half an hour and I am completely worn out but you know something? I have had FUN! I've been ordered around by Selphie/Hyne knows who else, I have been carting stuff around/trying to locate lost items and generally getting a few hundred grey hairs for my trouble but there was nothing but good vibes and a lot of laughing. I realise that I actually like a lot more people than I ever thought was possible.

Day 41

Zell got his girl at last! And how unexpected - he just walked right up to her, in front of EVERYONE and kissed her. Right in front of the whole Garden! She looked quite happy about the whole thing though. The silence was finally broken and everyone broke out into applause for them – even me! This is definitely a memory that I'll carry with me for years to come…

Day 42

It really must be love! Zell got the last hotdog in the cafeteria AND HE GAVE TO Arellia! For the second time in twenty-four hours he has stunned the whole Garden – honestly…the whole cafeteria just stopped and looked at Zell as he gave her the hotdog. I don't think anyone could have been more surprised if he had stood up, stripped off and danced round the cafeteria completely nude with only one of his beloved hot dogs covering his modesty. Bleh - scary mental image. Must suppress!

Day 43

Selphie has come down I think from the success of the Festival and is now begging Fujin to let her organise her hen night and the Wedding Party. Fujin says that there isn't a chance that she will agree. Hah! I give her two days until she cracks…

Day 44

Respect to Selphie! A day earlier than I thought and Fujin has capitulated. I laughed my head off when she admitted that to me. She has forgiven me I think for that but come on, seriously, I said it earlier did I not? Selphie is a force of nature. There really is no stopping her…why would you want to? ¬¬ Please don't tell anyone I said that.

Day 45

It finally happened - I am actually starting to realise that life is good. There really is hope that I can have a future. I will never forget what happened but I have to move on or otherwise I will get stuck in the past. I can never really forgive myself for what I did but I have to concentrate on the present – that way something good can be salvaged from the wreck of my past.

Fortunately, seeing as the Garden now has more money than it knows what to do with, we help anyone who needs it – not just those who can afford it. Cases are still looked at before our help is given but in general, a small town without much money can rely on us to help them protect themselves when under threat. Not that there is much to worry about on that score - Squall made sure that it is known worldwide that Balamb Garden that we will not stand for tyranny. It seems to be keeping everyone in check - for the moment anyway. Mostly our forces are being used to help people who are being terrorised by monsters.

Day 46

I knew it had to happen some time. I met a family of one of my victims yesterday. That was the most difficult thing that I have ever dealt with. Quistis came up to me afterwards and actually said that she was proud of me because I handled myself so well but…I have to go and get some air.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: I do not own FF8 or any of its wonderful characters

Disclaimer: I do not own FF8 or any of its wonderful characters. Only Dr. Adams belongs to me…Square, if you feel like giving Squall to me though, that would make me happy. :D

A/N: Sorry, something I should have maybe made a little clearer is that the days are not necessarily "Real time". I have only covered the more significant entries from Seifer's journal. I guess 'Day' should really read 'Excerpt' or something similar…

Day 50

I know I am supposed to write in this every day and I am still supposed to see you, Adams but I just couldn't. Not after that last time. I really was at my lowest point yet. Amazingly it was Quistis who managed to bring me round again.

The town was terrible. It was the hardest thing that I ever had to do. It was even harder than coming back to Garden. Ondin Melda. That was his name - the name of the couple's son. The name of the man whose life I ended because he didn't leave the town when I told him to. He was going to be a heart surgeon. How many lives would he have saved had I not killed him? All he was trying to do was protect his home and I stabbed him through the heart for it. Did Ultimecia do this to me or is that really all there is to me?

His parents shouted and screamed at me. That's how I know. They told me that he was going to be a surgeon but thanks to my worthless existence, he was taken from the world. All he ever did was good - he only wanted to help people. Could I say the same thing? Through it all, I had remained silent. What could I possibly say to ease their pain? It was Quistis who stepped in and explained that I had been under the control of a powerful sorceress and that I had had no way of stopping any of the madness. That seemed to calm them both down a little and the father walked up to me. He told me that as I had no choice, I had better make damn sure that their son's sacrifice wasn't in vain. He had died to protect the people of this town. I should start there and clear all the monsters that were threatening them.

So that is what I did. We destroyed 52 monsters that day – Quistis, Arellia, Zell and I. The majority of which died at my hands. I am not boasting when I say that. I was not doing it to make myself look good. I was doing it out of anger at Ultimecia - there was not one of those monsters that I didn't pretend was her – but I also did it to ensure that Ondin Melda's family and remaining friends would be safe.

After we were finished, his mother came up to me and she said that she could not forgive me - yet anyway but that she could see that what I had been forced to do was tearing me apart. She told me that if she EVER heard that I was up to no good, she would personally hunt me down and kill me herself and that no one would stand in her way – not even Hyne himself. I don't doubt her for a second.

Everything that I do from this moment on will be for those people who died during this war, whether by my hand directly or because of my orders. I know that I can never make up for the loss of those peoples lives or the good that they would have done but I will do everything in my power to ensure that other people do not suffer the way that Ondin Melda's family have suffered.

Squall and Cid have removed me from active duty until they are sure that I am 'feeling one hundred percent again' or as close as I can. So I will probably spend most of my time attending my sessions and training at the Centre.

Day 51

Hmm! If I keep up this pace, they are going to have to source new monsters for the Training Centre. If I am going to prove that I am worthy of being in this world, I am going to have to be in peak condition.

Day 52

Selphie has agreed to take me to The Island Closest to Hell in the Ragnarok and stay around in case I need any help - I told her I didn't need her help but she has refused to leave me alone. She said that if I wouldn't let her stay, she would tell Quistis and she could deal with me. Selphie, Irvine and I are going tomorrow - what that girl wants, she gets. No, I still don't know how Irvine entered the equation but with any luck, the two will become involved with each other as per usual and will not get in my way.

Day 53

Alright I know that everyone is telling me "I told you so!" My arrogance nearly got me killed is what Quistis told me, I am quite aware that I am extremely lucky that Selphie didn't leave like I told her to originally. Hey, even I know that I didn't stand a chance against the TWO ruby dragons (I get the feeling that ruby dragons don't like me) but it WASN'T arrogance that had me in that pointless fight. I tried to escape, but every time that I did, those two bas…dragons blocked my way. I have never prayed to Hyne so hard in my whole life for someone to help me. I really am unbelievably lucky that those two came along when they did.

I finally learnt an important lesson today. It is one that people have been trying to teach me for a long time. I heard it every time but I never really listened, basically: I am strong by myself but I am stronger as part of a team. I can't do everything by myself - more importantly though, no one actually expects that of me. Heh, I was almost expecting a fanfare when I finally realised that – at the very least I thought that Quistis might be there to say "Well done" but there was no one there – just me, sitting my myself in this infirmary bed…

Day 54

I get it now I really do. Through all the times in my life when I was in serious trouble, there has been someone there to help me, whether that is Fujin and Raijin, Quistis or, more surprisingly, Selphie and Irvine. I am actually smiling at the memory of my little sister - you should have seen her in action! When she realised that I was in trouble, she came rushing over leaving her own fight – Irvine hot on her heels – and every trace of her usual giddiness was gone. She is so serious when she is in a fight. I sincerely hope that I never have to face her again in a fight. She incredibly focused… As for Irvine, I find it hard to believe that when he first came to the Garden, he was at all nervous. He too has that same air of self-assurance now.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that having people around you is not a bad thing - sometimes it can seem that way because you have to worry about them but they worry about you, too. It's a bargain really isn't it? In a team, you have to look out for others and they look out for you. It doesn't show weakness, it shows strength - and trust. In letting someone else help, you are showing that you trust them enough to help keep you safe while proving that you are also trustworthy I guess. Hyne, this medication is really good stuff. I wonder if this will all seem so clear when I come off it?


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: I do not own FF8 or any of its wonderful characters

Disclaimer: I do not own FF8 or any of its wonderful characters. (More's the pity.)

Day 56

Well I'm off the meds and am thinking clearer. Spent most of yesterday sleeping and talking to Quistis and whoever else showed up - can't remember about what though. I do remember that Quistis said that we would talk again when I was more lucid. Really wish I could remember what we were talking about. Ah well, I am sure I didn't declare my undying love for her or…oh shit! I think I told her that she could be really beautiful if only she would take the ice poker out of her ass…Oh Hyne, please tell me that was just a dream…I could not have been that stupid could I? Crap! Crap! CRAP!

Okay, not going to think about it. Need something to take my mind off it. Suppose that this would be a good time to read what I wrote just after they treated me for the nasty gash in my side.

Hmm! A bit garbled, but I was right none the less. Teamwork is the best way to work. I don't want to be alone any more anyway. I think when I am feeling whole again, I need to the whole team thing and get the hang of it. Start with something slow though – maybe a couple of grats in the Training Centre and learn how to work with others and how to watch my team-mates backs while relaxing enough to let them do the same for me.

I know that Fujin, Raijin and I were a great team but they both want to quit Garden after they are married and live in Fisherman's Horizon. They have enough money saved up between them now to start the fishing business they have been dreaming about. Hyne, they are both so sorted that I am a little envious. My future will never be that clear or sorted – but I understand that that is just part of the price that I will have to pay for being weak when Ultimecia called me to be her Knight.

I am such a twat! Quistis informed that Yes I did say all that to her but that I also told her that I would love her forever. I hoped that she might be joking about that last bit to get revenge on me but Dr Kadowaki backed her up. Why did I say that? I don't love Quistis. She is a complete pain in the ass.

Actually that is a complete lie. NOT that I am saying I love her because that is impossible but she is not a pain. I used to think that she was a terrible nag but she was just trying to get the best from me. A hard task back then (actually, 'impossible' would be a better word)! Also, if I am honest, Quistis is one of the most breathtakingly beautiful women I have ever met. The only person that comes close is…

There must be someone else surely! I mean - look how many women I know…there must be at least one other woman that I consider beautiful! Fujin? No, I don't think of her like that. I know that she is beautiful but I don't KNOW she is beautiful. It is just something that I notice once in a while. Selphie? She is just so…cute – she is like a baby sister more than anything else. Arellia? Hard to find a woman attractive when every time you see her, the only man she has eyes for is Zell. Don't get me wrong; I have seen her around when she is not with him. She is pretty but she lights up whenever she sees him (another reason to be jealous of him – finding someone to love him like that). That really leaves only Rinoa – she is beautiful too but she is not really for me. I need someone as strong as me. Someone who will stand up to me when I need to be stood up to – when I was with Rinoa, she always agreed with anything that I said (strange how with Squall, she is nothing like that. Heh - when she doesn't agree with him, she has no hesitation in telling him about it!)

(A/N: If we had been in the room with Seifer, we would see him sitting completely shocked on the bed for about an hour before he was able to lift a pen to write again)

**I LOVE QUISTIS! ****I, SEIFER ALMASY, LOVE QUISTIS TREPE!**** HOLY HYNE!**

Day 57

Okay I have calmed down now. Of course I don't love Quistis. That would just be silly. Denial? Me? Don't be silly, Adams. Just because Quistis is my ideal woman does not mean that I am in love with her does it? Enough! I am going to sleep now.

Day 58

Selphie and Irvine came in to see me today. I took the opportunity to thank them both for saving me and for not walking away despite the fact that I have never been particularly nice to either of them. They were both a bit shocked I could tell though by what I said. I realised that they would probably take that the wrong way though and I apologised to them both - I knew that they would never do something like that.

Selphie was actually quiet. Can you believe it? For a whole two minutes! She then told me not to be silly. She was hardly going to leave her big brother to die, was she? Bloody woman nearly made me cry. I think I covered it pretty well though. She told me that I had made mistakes but she knew that I would make up for them with everything I had. Irvine agreed with her. How can everyone forgive me for what I have done so easily is what you are asking? That was my question too. Selphie then went on to tell me that if I EVER tried a stunt like that, I would have to deal with her – now THAT is a scary prospect!

(Sigh!) Zell came in to see me. He seemed to be finding something EXTREMELY funny. He eventually told me what he was laughing at. I really with that he hadn't bothered…Apparently he came to the infirmary to see how I was doing when he heard that I had been admitted with life-threatening injuries and he heard the whole thing with Quistis. He told me the whole thing – not only did I tell her that I loved her, that she was the most gorgeous woman I had ever met, her hair was like a sunset and that I had only ever loved one woman in my life - (HYNE! Does this humiliation ever end?) - but, when he told me, I blushed scarlet.

I Don't Blush! EVER!

How am I ever supposed to face her again? How many people know what I said? I wonder if Doctor Kadowaki will just let me stay in here for the rest of my life? Maybe she could even seal off this room and leave me here with my shame?

No. I am taking completely the wrong attitude to this - the old Seifer would never have let something like this happen. Okay, so Quistis knows that I like her (and Zell and Dr Kadowaki) but that doesn't mean that I can't bluff my way out of this if they try to embarrass me. What's the worst that could happen?

1. Quistis and Zell have told everyone, they laugh at me or they pour scorn on me for liking someone so obviously out of my league.

2. Quistis's Trepie freaks will decide that they have to murder me for daring to think that I am good enough for their precious instructor.

3. Quistis tells me in front of the whole garden that she couldn't possibly care about a murdering scumbag like me.

This exercise was supposed to make me feel better but how in Hyne's name was that supposed to help? If anything, I just feel worse. There are only two options that I can think of:

**1. **I guess if all else fails, I could revert to old form and tell them that I was obviously completely insane at the time that I said these things because I wouldn't touch my icy-poker-assed instructor with a barge pole.

**Or**

**2. **I could show them that I have finally grown up, face it head on, admit that yes I said that but, I understand that I am not good enough for Quistis even if I spend my whole life trying to make amends for what I have done. Hyne, even before all this, I would not have been good enough for her even though I told myself that I was better than everyone else around me

As scary as it sounds, I think I will take **option 2** and face the truth. I don't love Quistis despite the silly idea that has come into my head as of late. I am not worthy of such a thing but I DO respect her - she has seen me through a lot and I have been rude enough to her in the past. If I am serious about putting the past right, then I have to start with Quistis. If that means telling the world that I like her, so be it!


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: I do not own FF8 or any of its wonderful characters

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VIII or in fact anything that could actually earn me money.

**Day 59**

What in Hyne's name is going on? I got out of the infirmary yesterday. I was wary about leaving and having to deal with everyone's reactions in relation to my feelings for Quistis but guess what? NO ONE KNOWS - or at least, if they know they are not letting on. I don't understand - why did Zell not use the chance to get me back for all the crap that I put him through over the years? If I had been in his shoes, I would definitely have done it. Then again, maybe he is just that bit more mature than I am…well, it's either that or he is waiting for the right moment to humiliate me in front of the whole Garden. Not much I can do about it though, I will just have to be prepared for the worst won't I? So just what is the worst-case scenario?

At the next SeeD ball, Zell lets it be known over the public address system that I really have a thing for Quistis. Everyone – including Quistis – looks at me with a mixture of disgust and astonishment that I could ever think myself good enough for her.

You know what? I am going to never ever do one of those worst-case scenarios ever again. I mean, how in Hyne's name was that supposed to help me feel better? I am petrified just thinking of that terribly real possibility – Right now, I never want to leave my room ever again. I especially don't want to have to go anywhere I will have to face anyone else ever again.

Day 60

To heck with this - Seifer Almasy does NOT hide from anyone! What good will I ever be to anyone if I am too embarrassed to leave my room? I have apologies to make to the world and hiding in here won't get that done. I'm going to get something to eat!

Later

Okay that was easier than I thought it was going to be – I deliberately went to a table where people were already sitting and asked if I could join them and they didn't leave!! That has never happened before - I didn't say anything but it was actually nice to sit in that group of friends and listen to them bantering as they ate their lunch.

Oh Squall has asked Quistis and me to come up to his office. Back soon.

Later Still

Great! Bloody wonderful! Puberty Boy wants me to go on a mission with just Quistis for a whole fortnight. How am I supposed to manage that? I tried talking my way out of it by reminding him that I would be missing my Counselling sessions but it turns out Adams, that you are conveniently going on your holidays aren't you? Is this all part of my therapy? Face all my demons and deal with Quistis?

Bleh, can't even call Squall 'Puberty Boy' now can I? After all - I am the one who can't face Quistis and who goes red when I see her or in fact when someone even mentions her lately. We leave in the morning…

How am I going to get through this? First off, I suppose I need to put some sort of image into my head every time I think of her - something that will put me off. What could stop me thinking about Quistis? Needs to be something pretty terrible….I've got it – Laguna and Ward. Together. NAKED! I am going to have nightmares forever now but I think that will do it.

Well, Quistis is coming to discuss this mission so I get a chance to try out that 'pleasant' image in my head to block her out. What if it doesn't work though? I've got it - I'll have a relapse! No - that won't work, they'll hardly fall for that will they? I could go training in the Centre and get hurt again couldn't I? Yeah that's the best idea I've ever had. NOT! Xx Too late now – she's here.

Even Later

It didn't work - I tried to think of Laguna and Ward but with her standing so close to me, the only thing that I could think of was Quistis. What did work was the fact that Quistis was totally business-like – she left absolutely no room for me to sit and think about her gorgeous voice, her soft hands or beautiful hair, her perfect figure or…okay, I still managed to notice that but the main thing is that I have found a way to be able to talk to her. If I concentrate on this mission, I can talk to her and there won't be any problems. After all, I am sure that the last thing that she would want is for someone like me to be thinking that they have a chance with her. I mean, come on, she is so way above me. How would I ever come close? I still need to make up for all the years of crap that I gave her…I think though, it will have to wait until I get this crush under control.

I just wish that I could not feel like this. See that is the main problem. I have NEVER felt like this before. It's not like I have never been with anyone before. There have been more than enough girls in my past who were drawn to the badness in me but Quistis is completely different - I always knew that she hated that side of me. She is such a force for good whereas I was on the wrong side, am now stuck in the middle and am trying to be good. It is just so strange. She walks into the room and suddenly she is all I even notice. It was always like that but I used to believe that it was just because she made me so angry.

I find myself just remembering things about her at odd moments – her hand holding her whip, the colour of her eyes, the curve of her lips as she smiles, the way she laughs when she is totally relaxed and amused. How in Hyne's name did I never realise before just what she means to me? Why couldn't I have realised before I totally blotted my copybook? Mind you, come to think of it, that would have been about ten years ago. Sometimes I wish…but there is no point in wishing is there, no amount of wishing changes the past.

Wish me luck Adams, I am going to need it!

**Day 61**

Well this is going pretty badly so far. We are both sitting in the SeeD car at present. She was pretending to sleep rather than have to talk to me - she fell asleep properly after about five minutes. We have been on the train for the past two hours. I am sitting here writing this for something else to do. The only good thing about her sleeping is that I can look at her and she doesn't know - at times like this I really wish that I could draw because she just looks so innocent without all her usual worries weighing her down.

She just gave me the fright of my life. I was looking at her as she slept. I guess she woke up without me realising because she just asked me if I could stop looking at her for at least two minutes. She then opened her eyes and laughed and said that she couldn't possibly be that interesting.

So much for admitting the truth if she asked me – I stammered that I was sorry and that I was thinking, not really looking at her. For a second I actually imagined that disappointment flitted across her face but whatever it actually was disappeared before I could actually name the emotion. So now we are sitting in complete silence not looking at each other. I guess she just can't think of anything to say to me whereas I am a total twat! How did I fall for someone who I can't even speak to?

Oh yeah, this is going to a really long two weeks! Thanks a frickin' bunch Squall!


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: I do not own FF8 or any of its wonderful characters

Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy VIII or in fact anything that could actually earn me some money.

Warning: Seifer meltdown is about to occur - he did say that he worried about EVERYTHING when he first started the journal after all…

**Day 62**

Well, last night we got off the train, went to the hotel and ate dinner and then went to our separate rooms. Thank Hyne we will reach our first destination soon and then we will have company. I stick by what I have always said about Quistis – she has a poker made of ice lodged firmly up her ass – I might love her for all that I am worth but there is no changing that fact.

**Day 64**

Oh Hyne - she hates me! Quistis hates me! Not just a little bit – she hates me with everything that she has. Not that she has actually said anything. Oh no - the poker up her ass stops her being rude to me but…Oh Hyne, she hates me…I think I need to die now.

It wouldn't be so bad if I thought that I could change her mind but I honestly don't think that I can. I mean, I could cope before when I thought that we could be friends. It was ENOUGH. How am I supposed to deal with the fact that I can't even have that with her? Not that I can blame her - I was a complete twat growing up in the Orphanage and then when we came to Garden … I was angry because she seemed to be all over Squall and she just ignored me – it was always that way. Over time, I forgot why I was so angry with her because I started to use GF's.

Hyne I wish the memories would go away again - I was a complete jerk to her. She was a great instructor - I was just a crap student. I know now that everything that I did was to get her attention. At the time, I really believed that I was doing it because I hated her and I wanted to make her life miserable – while that may be true, I really lost sight of the reason.

Oh Hyne - what have I done? She hates me!

Okay…am taking a deep breath now. Must think this through a bit more rationally. The facts are this:

1. We have been travelling together since Monday. This is now Wednesday. In that time, she has been nothing but cold to me.

2. We have talked only when absolutely necessary. Now that I think back, I have realised something very important. She has distanced herself from me. I panicked there (I'm sure that you didn't notice that earlier today Adams – yeah right!) but the truth is that since I came back to Garden, Quistis has been distant with me. I didn't notice because she has been acting like an instructor so she was still talking to me but it has only been about the Garden, or the next mission or my SeeD exam.

So…maybe she doesn't hate me – maybe she just has no interest in me other than the fact that I am a student and she wants me to prove my worth at last…but, shouldn't that be enough for me? After all that I have done, shouldn't I be prepared to settle for that?

Oh Hyne help me, I don't think that I can. I need more. I need to make amends for all that I have done wrong. I need Quistis at my side even if she will only ever be a friend.

Only a friend - who am I kidding? To have a true friend like Quistis is all that a man like me could wish for. What more could I want? So the question is, how do I make Quistis be my friend? Hmm, that doesn't sound right. Obviously I can't MAKE Quistis be my friend. What do I do to ensure that Quistis can see me in another light?

I suppose it would be a good idea to start with talking to her and finding out stuff about her. How do I do that? I can hardly walk up to her and say "Hey Quistis, I want to be your friend so can you tell me something about yourself so that we can find some common interests and build a relationship round it?" Can I?

What an embarrassment, here I am mid-twenties and I don't have a clue how to make friends. Hyne, it can't be that difficult surely – even a complete twat like me managed to find Raijin and Fujin so surely I can do it again with Quistis? Let's see, what do I know that she likes? Umm whips, order and tidiness, peach – how can I have fallen for a woman when that is the best that I can up with? When that is all that I can think of that she likes?

Day 64

It's four o'clock in the morning and I should really be sleeping right now but I can't. I keep thinking about her and just why she is so important to me. I try to explain it but I can't. So here is a list. In no particular order, the things that I like most about Quistis are:

**-**The way she can make me laugh – in class, she could just come out with something that would make me laugh before everyone else caught on to what she was getting at. I would sit there trying my damnedest not to let it show because the last thing I wanted was for her to know that I found what she said funny (told you I was a twat)

-Her hair is beautiful – the way the bit of shorter hair falls round her face

-The way she walks

-The way she carries herself

-The way her face lights up when she is happy

-Her laugh

Her voice - her voice is beautiful even on the phone (how many people are that fortunate?)

-Her eyes – I could easily get lost in them

-Her legs

-The way she puts everything into a fight. She doesn't take it easier knowing that there are two others to help her. Don't get me wrong though, she is totally aware of the others and is always checking to ensure that they are holding their own but what I mean is that she treats every fight like it is important no matter whether she is fighting one of those blasted ruby dragons or a bite bug.

-The way she holds that whip (hey, you can't expect them ALL to be clean)

And after reading that back to myself, I realise that I sound like a completely lovesick teenager but friendship would still be enough for me. It would be great to be able to walk into a room and see her face light up just because I have come into it – basically I see that when she sees her friends show up – especially Rinoa. I think it was a big surprise to most people how well those two get on. They are just so completely different yet it's become a normal occurrence to see the two of them walking around Garden thick as thieves. Never in a million years could I have predicted that one!

What happens if she can never accept me? That's just the point though isn't it? I won't know until I try. Tomorrow, I am going to start something new. I am going to make an effort to talk to Quistis and get her to start opening up to me at least a little. I think the best thing to start with would be memories from the Orphanage. Wish me luck Adams; I am going to need it!


End file.
